The morning didn’t start very well. I have not slept much last night. At 11:30pm I was still preparing lunch for the next day, at 4am the babies have already woken up for a feed, and in between I had too many thoughts in my head to sleep properly, about a potential new job prospect, which I am both excited and nervous about.
So I wasn’t the nicest person once I woke up. I called my husband at work and said I’d divorce him because he didn’t make coffee for me when he had his breakfast (probably because he didn’t want the coffee to get cold by the time I woke up). I told off my 5 year old for trying to help me with the babies so that I could have a shower. Later I apologised to everyone of course, but I felt pretty bad. Am I always like this? No, not really.
I did have a bit of postnatal depression after having the twins. It has improved a lot, but every so often I’d still have times when a tiny little thing would throw me into a dark hall of panic, over-reaction and feeling hopeless. I did talk to a maternity mental health nurse – she referred me to the GP, I spoke to GP – and he said that I don’t look like a mentally ill person, and so long as I am bonding with the babies and not trying to kill myself I’m fine. I pretended to believe him, because going to counselling or, worse, taking drugs was more than I can cope with, on top of everything else that was going on in my life at the time. But really, I didn’t think that sitting on the grass in our backyard and crying over something tiny was really that normal… And that happen to me a couple of times in those early weeks after having the babies. Just wondering if anyone else has similar experience? And how do you cope with those moments??
Anyway, back to this morning. Luckily, I had a friend coming over to visit this morning. I was feeling so down that I wanted to cancel, but kind of left it too late. So I had to just quickly cover up my red face (from crying), put some clothes on, put a smile on – and then all of a sudden I had a great time! My mental balance went back to where it should be, and I was a different person. Funny. Why do I feel like being alone when I’m feeling down, even though being social is probably the only thing that really helps? I guess it is kind of like avoiding exercise or long-planned bike ride just because you cannot get yourself off the couch, but deep inside you know you’d feel great afterwards.
So I’d like to dedicate this post as a thanks to all my friends. Those who I catch up with in person, or online, and who make my life better (even though most of them are not reading this blog, and are not even aware of it). Those new friends who I’m hoping to meet via this blog. It’s great having you all in my life, I don’t know what I’d do without you! Thanks.